Monday, November 3, 2008

Celebrate Election Day with a Hockey Mom

Getting tried of this election? Feel like a drink?

Then try a Hockey Mom – a brand new drink a few friends and I invented. (It’s a pit bull with lipstick).

Here’s the recipe:

Pit Bull energy drink
Red Kool-Aid powder

Dip the rim of a cocktail glass into the red kool-aid powder.
Combine two parts Pit Bull to one part vodka (or, to taste). Shake with ice. Pour into cocktail glass.


It’s almost over (hopefully). Remember to vote on Tuesday, November 4.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

The Palin Doctrine Ends the War on Terror

This past week, Sarah Palin said that New York and Washington, DC are not part of real America.

If New York and DC are not a part of real America, then America was not attacked on 9/11. And if America was not attacked, then there is no need to continue the War on Terror.

Mission Accomplished!

It’s just that easy.

Friday, October 17, 2008

Corollary to the First Tenet of the Palin Doctrine

Deep, meaningful relationships can be created out of brief, unimportant encounters.

Barack Obama once served on the board of a nonprofit foundation with Bill Ayres. The two men also live in the same Chicago neighborhood. Clearly they are best friends for life.

In the past, people who confused a casual acquaintanceship for a serious relationship would be diagnosed with a form of erotomanic delusion. Think Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction. But thanks to the Palin Doctrine, these thought processes are no longer relegated to criminally insane stalkers.

Now we can all have much richer lives.

For example, I once passed Pamela Anderson on the sidewalk. She smiled, said hello, and continued on her way. It really isn’t much of a story. Or at least it wasn’t until I learned about this tenet of the Palin Doctrine. Now I know that I really had a passionate relationship with Ms. Anderson.

My friends sure will be jealous.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

A word from our readers

Josh T. from Los Angeles, CA writes:
I once stood in line at the grocery store behind Wilt Chamberlain. Therefore I’ve had sex with 20,000 women. And can dunk.

The Palin Doctrine is Back

We temporarily suspended our work on The Palin Doctrine to focus on the economy.

Everything’s better now, right?

Monday, October 6, 2008

Corollary to the Second Tenet of the Palin Doctrine

Science is deniable.

There is overwhelming scientific evidence that global warming is the result of human activity. Sarah Palin disagrees.

There is scientific certainty that life on Earth began billions of years ago and developed through the process of evolution. Sarah Palin disagrees, and says the Earth is only six thousand years old, and dinosaurs used to live among mankind.

The consensus of the scientific community does not matter because under the Palin Doctrine science is deniable. But the fun doesn’t stop there.

If science is deniable, then gravity is deniable. And if gravity is deniable, well that just leads us to one conclusion: Sarah Palin can fly.

No wonder she tried to sell that plane on eBay.

Saturday, October 4, 2008

A Word from Sarah Palin

Hi. I’m Sarah Palin.
I just spent a couple hours on the Washington University in St. Louis campus. Now all those concerns about my educational qualifications have been laid to rest.

Friday, October 3, 2008

The Debate

We congratulate Sarah Palin on successfully implementing the Third Tenet of the Palin Doctrine in last night’s debate.

During the past few weeks, Palin skillfully lowered the bar to the point where most viewers were expecting a train wreck freakshow.

Palin’s debate performance was not brilliant. It wasn’t even particularly good. However, when compared to the diminished expectations she so brilliantly established, her performance was an act of oratory worthy of Daniel Webster.

Well done Sarah. Keep clearing those low hurdles.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

The Palin Doctrine and College Admissions

Today stunned admissions officers from Georgetown University’s School of Foreign Service announced that applications are down for the first time in over 15 years.

Evidently, after learning about the Palin Doctrine, the nation’s top students have decided that their tuition dollars are better spent on a backpack and a Eurail pass.

To get the most foreign policy experience for their time and money, students don’t plan to disembark the train. After all, who needs college when you can get a window seat?

Monday, September 29, 2008

A word from Sarah Palin

Hi. I’m Sarah Palin.
I live near a Dunkin’ Donuts. That makes me a breakfast pastry.

Sarah Palin Matters

Some people are questioning the value of devoting all this energy to writing about the Palin Doctrine. After all, even if John McCain and Sarah Palin win the election, she’ll only be vice president. Which, Dick Cheney aside, isn’t really much of a position.

These people are forgetting something very important: John McCain’s health.

John McCain is 72. According to Social Security, he has a 1 in 7 chance of dying in the next four years. But his odds are actually worse, because McCain isn't one of the normal 72 year old American men in the actuarial tables: he's a former POW and cancer patient.

It’s not fair, but former Vietnam POWs continue to suffer from the malnutrition and abuse they experienced, and are dying off at a greater rate than the other men in their age group.

In the past, John McCain has responded to concerns about his health by pointing to his mother’s longevity. However, the men in his family haven’t fared nearly as well. John McCain’s father died of a heart attack at age 70. And his father’s father died of a heart attack at age 61.

Add on top of that the fact that he’s already had cancer, and has a greater likelihood of developing cancer again, and the prognosis is not good.

While there is a chance that John McCain will survive the next four years with no health problems, there is a significant probability that people who vote for McCain are electing Sarah Palin to be President.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

A word from Sarah Palin

Hi. I’m Sarah Palin.
I just visited the UN. That makes me America’s most experienced diplomat.

Friday, September 26, 2008

The Don’t Blink Surge

Despite our best efforts not to blink, the nation’s economic crisis continues. It was a good plan, but there was a problem in the execution.

So what went wrong?

Too many people blinked.
John McCain for one. (As Sarah Palin’s running mate, you’d think he would be more supportive. But I’m sure tonight’s debate will be worth the extra period of economic crisis.)

Should we try again?

Well, as the McCain/Palin ticket is quick to remind us, if something doesn’t work, keep doing it, even if it takes more than eight years.

What we need is a surge of non-blinkers.

Mark your calendars, set up your Outlook reminders and alarms, and tell everyone:
The Don’t Blink Surge will begin on Tuesday, September 30 at 7pm Pacific Time (10pm Eastern Time).

Note: This time occurs after sunset on the West coast, so Muslims celebrating Ramadan and Jews celebrating Rosh Hashanah should be able to participate.

Together we can turn this economy around. All we need to do is keep our eyes open.

Mission Accomplished?

Hmm…I guess it didn’t work.
Anyone have eyedrops?

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Save the economy: Don’t blink on Friday

The economy is in trouble, and it’s time we the American people pitched in and helped out.

The solution is simple, and it doesn’t need to cost taxpayers $700 billion:

On Friday, September 26 at 5pm Eastern time (2pm Pacific), everyone in the country should stop blinking.

Together we can make a difference.

Pass it on.
Tell everyone.
There’s no time to waste.

A solution to the current economic crisis

The economy is a disaster.
What do we do? How do we solve things? What’s the best way to keep this country going?

Clearly there is one answer:
Everyone in this country needs to stop blinking.

The Fifth Tenet of the Palin Doctrine

Act before you have time to think.

If we’ve learned anything during the past eight years, it’s that important decisions can go horribly wrong when they’re made after too much thoughtful deliberation. Iraq. Katrina. The deregulation of the financial industry. Clearly the products of too much careful consideration.

This is why the Palin Doctrine is such a breath of fresh air. Sarah Palin makes important decisions without blinking. There is no time wasted thinking things over, weighing the options. When you’re committed to the mission, you can’t blink, you just need to act on instinct.

Fortunately for us, Sarah Palin has excellent instincts.
Either that or an ophthalmologic condition.

The Fourth Tenet of the Palin Doctrine

John McCain’s lawyers have sued to keep us from revealing the Fourth Tenet until after the November election.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

A word from Sarah Palin

Hi. I’m Sarah Palin. There is an oil pipeline in Alaska. That makes me America’s foremost energy expert.

Oh, wait. She really is saying that.

Airline Passengers adopt the Palin Doctrine

The Coalition of Airline Passengers released a statement today calling for the nation’s airlines to hire more pilots who graduated at the bottom of their classes.

The Coalition feels that passengers are not able to relate to overachieving, extremely competent pilots, and decries the industry’s elitist hiring practices.

After hearing the news, the McCain campaign reminded the media that John McCain finished 894th out of 899 students at Annapolis, and really only graduated from flight school because his father was an admiral who was able to pull strings.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Corollary to the Third Tenet of the Palin Doctrine

When playing limbo, raise the bar. High.

The Third Tenet of the Palin Doctrine

Lower the bar.

America’s history is full of great leaders – some so great that their images were carved into mountainsides.

With a legacy like that, what is a person with modest abilities but oversized ambitions to do?

When you can’t live up to the lofty standards set by past presidents, there is only one solution: convince voters that all they really want is a leader they can carpool with to hockey practice.

For added effect, denigrate those who would clear this lowered bar by too great a margin.

With any luck, voters will decide that statesmanship, wisdom, and real experience are less important than the ability to heat up a box of pizza rolls.

Monday, September 22, 2008

The Palin Doctrine and the NFL

Yesterday, the New England Patriots ended their 21 game winning streak with a loss to the Miami Dolphins.

Many fans are blaming the loss on the absence of injured quarterback Tom Brady. With all due respect to New England’s backup quarterback Matt Cassel, we here at The Palin Doctrine think there is a better replacement for the injured Brady: Sarah Palin.

Palin is a dedicated football fan (she is a member of the Seattle Seahawks’ official team fan club) who has seen a good number of football games. Clearly this record of experience with the sport shows that she is ready to step in and lead the Patriots.

But New England would not be the only party to benefit in this arrangement.

For some reason, many people seem to think that Sarah Palin’s ability to see Russia from Alaska does not in fact give her significant foreign policy experience. And as a result, they aren’t sure that they can trust her with the nuclear football.

Proving that the experience she has gained from watching football has prepared her to play in the NFL will go a long way towards proving that she has the experience necessary to be Vice President.

No word yet from Bill Belichick.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Michael Palin on the Palin Doctrine

When asked how he felt about sharing a last name with Sarah Palin, former Monty Python member Michael Palin responded, “I’m just glad my surname continues to be associated with comedy.”

A word from Sarah Palin

Hi, I’m Sarah Palin. My house has electricity. That makes me a certified master electrician.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Texas Minutemen discover the Palin Doctrine

The Minutemen now regret building the border wall with Mexico.

Today a spokesman for the Texas chapter of the Minuteman Project announced that the group may have miscalculated in calling for a large wall to prevent illegal immigration.

“If we could still see [Mexico], we would have foreign policy experience, and would be qualified for high paying jobs with the State Department like all those Alaskans. Instead, all we have are a lot of minimum wage openings in the dishwashing and leaf blowing fields.”

The Second Tenet of the Palin Doctrine

Reality is Deniable.

In the past, a politician caught in a lie would have suffered damage. There would have been shame and ridicule and public apologies. Or at least some sort of admission of the truth. But all that has been changed by the Palin Doctrine.

Sarah Palin has been caught in more lies than we can count.

That Bridge to Nowhere which she opposed? She actually fought for it.

The earmark money she fought against? She got more earmark dollars per capita than any other governor in the country.

The special needs kids for whom she is a dedicated advocate?
She slashed their funding by 62%.

Yes, these are all proven facts. (No footnotes on this blog, but you can google the proof for yourself.)

We could go on and on about the natural gas pipeline she built (it hasn’t been built yet, and Congress started the process years before she entered office), the plane she sold on eBay, and just about every other statement she’s made since being named John McCain’s running mate. But it wouldn’t matter.

Because under the Palin Doctrine, there’s no shame in being caught in a lie – so long as you just continue to lie.

The truth is only a problem if you acknowledge it.

Your hair could be on fire, and everyone could tell you that your hair is on fire, but if you continue to deny this reality, you won’t be burned.

Powerful stuff.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

The Palin Doctrine on the Campaign Trail

Given the recent chaos in the financial sector, Warren Buffett’s endorsement of Barack Obama is taking on new importance.

Not to be outdone, the McCain/Palin ticket is citing their own endorsement coup: Ronald M. Doland is backing the Republican candidates and is confident they will be able to turn the economy around.

Mr. Doland’s qualifications? He has been a security guard at Berkshire Hathaway for the past 20 years, and says hello to Mr. Buffet every morning.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

A word from Sarah Palin

Hi, I’m Sarah Palin. I can see the moon in Alaska. That makes me an astronaut.

The US State Department adopts the Palin Doctrine

Citing their ability to see Russia, the US State Department is recruiting every resident of Alaska. Oh, except for the blind people.

State Department officials are confident that Alaskans’ foreign policy experience and insights into Russia will help guide our country through these turbulent times.

Blind and visually impaired Alaskans have filed a lawsuit under the Americans with Disabilities Act.

The First Tenet of the Palin Doctrine

Experience does not need to be acquired through experiences.

Throughout human history, those wanting to acquire experience have been hamstrung by the need to actually go out and acquire it. No longer. The Palin Doctrine has ushered in an exciting new world in which experience can be acquired through sight and self-proclamation.

When Sarah Palin asserted that she has gained foreign policy experience from being able to see Russia from Alaska, she struck a blow for lazy and inexperienced people everywhere.

The practical applications of this tenet of the Palin Doctrine are amazing.
For example, I live across the street from a hospital. Thanks to the Palin Doctrine, I’m now qualified to be a surgeon. And I didn’t have to endure the hassle of actually going to med school!

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

The Palin Doctrine - An Introduction

In outlining her qualifications to be Vice President, Sarah Palin broke through new barriers, redefining the nature of experience, and issuing in a bold new doctrine for these times: The Palin Doctrine.

This blog celebrates all those who would follow her lead.

How does the Palin Doctrine apply to your life? Finish your Kool-Aid, reapply your lipstick, and email us at: