Monday, November 3, 2008

Celebrate Election Day with a Hockey Mom

Getting tried of this election? Feel like a drink?

Then try a Hockey Mom – a brand new drink a few friends and I invented. (It’s a pit bull with lipstick).

Here’s the recipe:

Pit Bull energy drink
Red Kool-Aid powder

Dip the rim of a cocktail glass into the red kool-aid powder.
Combine two parts Pit Bull to one part vodka (or, to taste). Shake with ice. Pour into cocktail glass.


It’s almost over (hopefully). Remember to vote on Tuesday, November 4.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

The Palin Doctrine Ends the War on Terror

This past week, Sarah Palin said that New York and Washington, DC are not part of real America.

If New York and DC are not a part of real America, then America was not attacked on 9/11. And if America was not attacked, then there is no need to continue the War on Terror.

Mission Accomplished!

It’s just that easy.

Friday, October 17, 2008

Corollary to the First Tenet of the Palin Doctrine

Deep, meaningful relationships can be created out of brief, unimportant encounters.

Barack Obama once served on the board of a nonprofit foundation with Bill Ayres. The two men also live in the same Chicago neighborhood. Clearly they are best friends for life.

In the past, people who confused a casual acquaintanceship for a serious relationship would be diagnosed with a form of erotomanic delusion. Think Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction. But thanks to the Palin Doctrine, these thought processes are no longer relegated to criminally insane stalkers.

Now we can all have much richer lives.

For example, I once passed Pamela Anderson on the sidewalk. She smiled, said hello, and continued on her way. It really isn’t much of a story. Or at least it wasn’t until I learned about this tenet of the Palin Doctrine. Now I know that I really had a passionate relationship with Ms. Anderson.

My friends sure will be jealous.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

A word from our readers

Josh T. from Los Angeles, CA writes:
I once stood in line at the grocery store behind Wilt Chamberlain. Therefore I’ve had sex with 20,000 women. And can dunk.

The Palin Doctrine is Back

We temporarily suspended our work on The Palin Doctrine to focus on the economy.

Everything’s better now, right?

Monday, October 6, 2008

Corollary to the Second Tenet of the Palin Doctrine

Science is deniable.

There is overwhelming scientific evidence that global warming is the result of human activity. Sarah Palin disagrees.

There is scientific certainty that life on Earth began billions of years ago and developed through the process of evolution. Sarah Palin disagrees, and says the Earth is only six thousand years old, and dinosaurs used to live among mankind.

The consensus of the scientific community does not matter because under the Palin Doctrine science is deniable. But the fun doesn’t stop there.

If science is deniable, then gravity is deniable. And if gravity is deniable, well that just leads us to one conclusion: Sarah Palin can fly.

No wonder she tried to sell that plane on eBay.

Saturday, October 4, 2008

A Word from Sarah Palin

Hi. I’m Sarah Palin.
I just spent a couple hours on the Washington University in St. Louis campus. Now all those concerns about my educational qualifications have been laid to rest.

Friday, October 3, 2008

The Debate

We congratulate Sarah Palin on successfully implementing the Third Tenet of the Palin Doctrine in last night’s debate.

During the past few weeks, Palin skillfully lowered the bar to the point where most viewers were expecting a train wreck freakshow.

Palin’s debate performance was not brilliant. It wasn’t even particularly good. However, when compared to the diminished expectations she so brilliantly established, her performance was an act of oratory worthy of Daniel Webster.

Well done Sarah. Keep clearing those low hurdles.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

The Palin Doctrine and College Admissions

Today stunned admissions officers from Georgetown University’s School of Foreign Service announced that applications are down for the first time in over 15 years.

Evidently, after learning about the Palin Doctrine, the nation’s top students have decided that their tuition dollars are better spent on a backpack and a Eurail pass.

To get the most foreign policy experience for their time and money, students don’t plan to disembark the train. After all, who needs college when you can get a window seat?

Monday, September 29, 2008

A word from Sarah Palin

Hi. I’m Sarah Palin.
I live near a Dunkin’ Donuts. That makes me a breakfast pastry.