Corollary to the First Tenet of the Palin Doctrine

Deep, meaningful relationships can be created out of brief, unimportant encounters.

Barack Obama once served on the board of a nonprofit foundation with Bill Ayres. The two men also live in the same Chicago neighborhood. Clearly they are best friends for life.

In the past, people who confused a casual acquaintanceship for a serious relationship would be diagnosed with a form of erotomanic delusion. Think Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction. But thanks to the Palin Doctrine, these thought processes are no longer relegated to criminally insane stalkers.

Now we can all have much richer lives.

For example, I once passed Pamela Anderson on the sidewalk. She smiled, said hello, and continued on her way. It really isn’t much of a story. Or at least it wasn’t until I learned about this tenet of the Palin Doctrine. Now I know that I really had a passionate relationship with Ms. Anderson.

My friends sure will be jealous.

Corollary to the Second Tenet of the Palin Doctrine

Science is deniable.

There is overwhelming scientific evidence that global warming is the result of human activity. Sarah Palin disagrees.

There is scientific certainty that life on Earth began billions of years ago and developed through the process of evolution. Sarah Palin disagrees, and says the Earth is only six thousand years old, and dinosaurs used to live among mankind.

The consensus of the scientific community does not matter because under the Palin Doctrine science is deniable. But the fun doesn’t stop there.

If science is deniable, then gravity is deniable. And if gravity is deniable, well that just leads us to one conclusion: Sarah Palin can fly.

No wonder she tried to sell that plane on eBay.

The Fifth Tenet of the Palin Doctrine

Act before you have time to think.

If we’ve learned anything during the past eight years, it’s that important decisions can go horribly wrong when they’re made after too much thoughtful deliberation. Iraq. Katrina. The deregulation of the financial industry. Clearly the products of too much careful consideration.

This is why the Palin Doctrine is such a breath of fresh air. Sarah Palin makes important decisions without blinking. There is no time wasted thinking things over, weighing the options. When you’re committed to the mission, you can’t blink, you just need to act on instinct.

Fortunately for us, Sarah Palin has excellent instincts.
Either that or an ophthalmologic condition.

The Fourth Tenet of the Palin Doctrine

John McCain’s lawyers have sued to keep us from revealing the Fourth Tenet until after the November election.

Corollary to the Third Tenet of the Palin Doctrine

When playing limbo, raise the bar. High.

The Third Tenet of the Palin Doctrine

Lower the bar.

America’s history is full of great leaders – some so great that their images were carved into mountainsides.

With a legacy like that, what is a person with modest abilities but oversized ambitions to do?

When you can’t live up to the lofty standards set by past presidents, there is only one solution: convince voters that all they really want is a leader they can carpool with to hockey practice.

For added effect, denigrate those who would clear this lowered bar by too great a margin.

With any luck, voters will decide that statesmanship, wisdom, and real experience are less important than the ability to heat up a box of pizza rolls.

The Second Tenet of the Palin Doctrine

Reality is Deniable.

In the past, a politician caught in a lie would have suffered damage. There would have been shame and ridicule and public apologies. Or at least some sort of admission of the truth. But all that has been changed by the Palin Doctrine.

Sarah Palin has been caught in more lies than we can count.

That Bridge to Nowhere which she opposed? She actually fought for it.

The earmark money she fought against? She got more earmark dollars per capita than any other governor in the country.

The special needs kids for whom she is a dedicated advocate?
She slashed their funding by 62%.

Yes, these are all proven facts. (No footnotes on this blog, but you can google the proof for yourself.)

We could go on and on about the natural gas pipeline she built (it hasn’t been built yet, and Congress started the process years before she entered office), the plane she sold on eBay, and just about every other statement she’s made since being named John McCain’s running mate. But it wouldn’t matter.

Because under the Palin Doctrine, there’s no shame in being caught in a lie – so long as you just continue to lie.

The truth is only a problem if you acknowledge it.

Your hair could be on fire, and everyone could tell you that your hair is on fire, but if you continue to deny this reality, you won’t be burned.

Powerful stuff.

The First Tenet of the Palin Doctrine

Experience does not need to be acquired through experiences.

Throughout human history, those wanting to acquire experience have been hamstrung by the need to actually go out and acquire it. No longer. The Palin Doctrine has ushered in an exciting new world in which experience can be acquired through sight and self-proclamation.

When Sarah Palin asserted that she has gained foreign policy experience from being able to see Russia from Alaska, she struck a blow for lazy and inexperienced people everywhere.


The practical applications of this tenet of the Palin Doctrine are amazing.
For example, I live across the street from a hospital. Thanks to the Palin Doctrine, I’m now qualified to be a surgeon. And I didn’t have to endure the hassle of actually going to med school!